Too many

I have too many blogs.
I start a new one when I think of a new fun name for this crazy story of mine.
I want to get all my stuff in one place so I know what is going on - well, I am hoping this will help!
Please jump on over to
http://reneesendelbach.blogspot.com/

I have snippets from my upcoming book, pictures, art work and so much more over there.
As always, please share this new page with anyone you feel it can help.
With love,
Renee

The Knock...

The Knock…

knowing the sound

of the Knock
 

that Precious knock

knowing all I needed to do

was open the door -

the door that seemed

to have been bolted shut

 

for way too long


The door…

I admit

I have cracked it open -

 

just a sliver…

a small sliver

from time to time

always

too afraid

 

to fling it open

wide open -

not knowing

 

what was on

the other side

but

the Knock continued

day and night -

 

always...

some days

 

it would drive me crazy –

I would try anything

 

to make it stop

other days...

 

I would entertain

the idea

 

of possibly

maybe

 

opening

The door.

one day…

my heart won

the battle of the day

I let my heart

 

have its way

I let my heart

 

open the door –

I was tired

tired of fighting…

 

fighting

to keep

 

the door closed

to keep

my heart in the dark

to keep

 

me where I was…

A light so bright

 

Joy so intense

Peace so calming

Love so burning

was on the other side

God smiled at me

and said,

I’ve been waiting…

for you

Bite me...

My steroids are like the “bite me” cookies in my Cancerland.

They are there, telling me to take them…eat them – I need them but the effects they have on me are maddening…they make me big with weight gain, they make my mind go a little crazy – ok maybe a lot crazy – I never know when the effects will hit or wear off…but I must continue to take them, so my brain doesn’t swell.

The steroids provide comfort for me to know my brain isn’t swelling but they wreak havoc on my body and mind.

I am in the midst of another cycle of steroids due to the last ER trip a week ago and the after radiation swelling…the steroids are wearing me out – physically and mentally.

I can’t sleep more than 4 hours at a time – even at night.

I am hungry ALL the time but am trying to eat healthy.

My head starts to hurts if they wear off.

I want to be off the steroids, but I know I have to take them...so I will for now.

Enter the Cheshire Cat...

I can’t imagine what they are going through – her family…their thoughts, their love for her, their prayers – their everything.

She was getting better…and now I don’t know.

I almost hate when it is time for me to leave town now on summer vacation – my life changed last year while on vacation…I pray it doesn’t this year…my heart hurts and stomach is sick.

I just want her to be good…hell, I will settle for ok right now.

I just want this to all go away for her, for her loved ones, for so many…

Nothing makes sense to me right now…I feel like cancer is the Cheshire Cat in Renee In Cancer Land – it shows up when it wants it, it disappears now and then,

From Alice In Wonderland:

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
"I don't much care where –" said Alice.
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
"– so long as I get somewhere," Alice added as an explanation.
"Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."

The cat is an enigma – perhaps symbolizing the mystery of Wonderland itself. Of how nonsense has a way of making sense. The Cheshire cat to me is the one character of Wonderland who does make a kind of sense to me.

He knows he's mad.

I guess kind of like we all know we are going to die at some point, but never thought we would think about it like this…it consumes you.

The cat comes and he goes - he's is and he isn't - he's there then he's not.... When the queen tries to behead the cat, he disappears, but his head remains and he asks, “can something that does not have a body be beheaded?”
So yes, cancer itself is the cat…does it even have a body?

I am a wreck – I just want to talk to her, to hug her, to see her smile, to text her my chemo schedule and see if we can meet up while there…

I just want a lot right now.
Please pray for my friend. Please pray God fills her with healing loving light right now...right this second...please pray.

Welcome to my Wonderland...err life

Hi there y’all!

I guess first off let me introduce myself:

I am Renee Sendelbach, 35 year old, Stage 4 breast cancer “thriver”, with Triple Negative cancer.

I was first diagnosed in 2008 with Stage 1 Breast Cancer.  Our son just turned 13 months old and our whole world spun out of control.

I had 8 chemo treatments (4 A/C and 4 Taxol); a lumpectomy and 37 radiation treatments – and then I was deemed cancer free in May, 2009.

Life was clicking along great. I started staying at home with our son, started teaching greeting card making classes, was training for a ½ marathon and was ready to put the whole cancer “thing” behind me…well, I guess the whole cancer “thing” wasn’t ready to be put behind me.

In March, 2010 I went in for my yearly CT scan…let’s just say it was NOT the news I ever expected to hear.

The following day, I received the call I never wanted to receive, “Renee, something showed up on your scan, and Dr. H wants to see you today.”

Oh SH*T I thought.

After many tests later, we learned my breast cancer moved to my lungs, bones, and lymph nodes, and I was now classified as Stage IV…I honestly didn’t know what this meant until my Dr. explained it to me. I was treatable but not curable.

Those words sent me into a tailspin…what in the hell did treatable but not curable mean anyway?

It means I will always be on the look for cancer in body.

These mets were not able to be taken out with surgery due to the number of them and the locations.

I started back on chemo – Abraxane. It worked well…at first.  My first scan showed the tumors and shrunk…I was thrilled.  My second scan – well, thrilled wasn’t the word to describe me.

My tumors had grown. 

Moving on the plan B. I started carboplatin and gemzar combo and was accepted to a trail drug – BSI Inparp 201.

My first scan from this combo was a miracle – I was NED (no evidence of disease). Everyone was hopefully optimistic, but we were all scared to truly believe it because of the last chemo working at first, then not.

I stayed on this combo for 5 months, until my body couldn’t take it anymore – my blood counts kept bottoming out, 2 blood transfusions later, my scans saying NED, we decided I was going to get off the full out chemo and just say on BSI Inaparp 201.

From January, 2011 – August, 2012 I was NED and receive BSI Inaparp 201 treatment 2 times a week; 2 weeks on and 1 week off.

At the end of August, my world was once again flipped upside down. While out with my son, my right side went numb.  I couldn’t walk without thinking about every little move. I called my husband and my oncologist…she said go straight to the ER…this couldn’t be good.

One MRI later, we found out the cancer had now spread to my brain. A few appointments later, I was scheduled for brain surgery to remove to cancerous mass later in the week.

Once the mass was out, I needed radiation to mop up the area.

I am not sure what part of this sent me over the edge to crazy-town, but a few weeks after radiation I had to be checked into the hospital for steroid psychosis – pretty much I was having a massive breakdown.

While in the hospital, I received another MRI and again, they found a tumor…in the SAME spot. Once again, I needed surgery to remove it.

They had to go a little deeper into the “good” brain area this time to ensure the margins were clear. After waking up from the second surgery, I realized something was different…very different.

Moving my right side was weird. My leg was heavy and I couldn’t stand on it or walk on it without support of a cane or walked – I just didn’t trust that my leg would hold me and walk me around.

I started physical therapy while in the hospital to see if I was going to be able to walk again. I continued PT at home to learn to walk with the cane and practice walking around the house without a cane.

Two weeks later it was Christmas Eve and I heard in my heart – it is time…do it. So, I stared walking with just my cane. I was extremely shaky, took small scare steps, but I was determined and I knew I could do this.

A few weeks later, I was walking good with my cane and decided I had enough control that it was time to practice driving again.  Off to the church parking lot to practice.  I drove around the parking every day for a week, then moved to side streets in my neighborhood, then to a few busy streets in small doses, then to pick up Ian (which made me SO happy!)

Things kept improving, scans were coming back good and I was on the road to recovery.

May 13^th I turned 35.

May 16^th I had another funny feeling…a feeling I now know to trust. An MRI later, I found out the tumor was back in the SAME spot again. My brain surgeon said this is a first for him..3^rd time in the same spot; however, this did make him nervous due to the where the surgery margins were going to be this surgery…very, VERY close to my motor strip.  This could mean permanent damage to my motor skills and we wouldn’t know if my right side would function until after surgery, but I did have faith it would all be ok.

After waking up from the 3^rd surgery, I felt different from all the first 2…I feel great. I was about to spend 1 night in the ICU and then was released.

AND I could walk!! I couldn’t feel my right leg, but I trusted it was there and it knew what to do when I used it walk!

In the meantime, I got kicked off my trail BSI drug. I was and still am ok with this. I do feel like God has something better out there for me.

I received my last BSI treatment on May 16^th and nothing since. Yes this does make my nervous, but I have said time and time again, that I have given it to God to handle, so I am letting Him handle it.

My brain oncologist is sending in every last sample he could gather to send in for “deep” genetic testing in hopes of finding my cancer being something a little different from just triple negative.

July 17^th will be a big day for me – I will go back to Dr. H to talk with her about all my options about treatments…I am excited but nervous.

You can read my WHOLE story here 

http://reneesendelbach.blogspot.com/

This address is going to change to ReneeInCancerland.com once radiation brain goes away and I figure out how to do it!! Don't worry, I will let you know!

In the meantime, please share with others you think my story will help...I feel that is why I am here - to help others.